Even tough i’ve never been fat, a lot of people always said i was “normal” or “skinny” already… i’m one of those people that can eat and eat without gaining and without extercise, but i never felt pretty that way, everytime i lifted my shirt or walked around in bikini i automatically held in my stomach, But then at night i would look in the mirror all relaxed and a voice in my head asked me: “Are you really happy with yourself?” at first i tought “i don’t care i look this way, i feel good” but the more months passed my answer was each time weaker, until i eventually said “no”, given that answer the voice said something different this time, i didn’t hear it but as my mom yelled at the bottom of the stairs “Maude! What would you like to eat!?” something in my body controlled me for just two seconds makeing me think and say “Nothing, i’m fine, thanks!” i felt this was the right thing to do, as i still listend to my stomach eating nothing was no option, but my reflection never showed me anything good, i wanted control of myself, over what i saw and how i looked, right now i am so hungry and its not that i dont like food, its the loss of control and loss of what i work for to look better, i’m scared , my fear has brought me so far that i can’t find my way back, and i don’t want to go back…
I’ve only been an hour awake and my mom placed a little cake in front of me, it got me frustrated, she didn’t do it on purpose, she was gonna eat it after talking but durning the whole conversation half of it i didn’t listen i was so distracted by the food and the little sugar glace layer on top, pure frustration builing up and it could end in two ways, at first i tought of eating it since i was so hungry from not eating in two days but i was gonna squish it all in my mouth like a wild beast that had to rip off the skin of his prey after that all i wanted to do us scream and destroy the little cake and it probably to end up on the floor all crumbled up, it made me so sad to say that i forgot how certain things tasted since it was so long since i tasted it, old me would probably get one and just eat it but i don’t see why i would do this to myself, to gain weight just to taste it, it wasn’t worth it, all i actually wanted was to feel satisfied again like you feel after eating a big delicious meal, at times i really let it cross my mind why i did this, my stomach grumbled and it hurt more every time, in some way i slapped sense into myself, why would i give up? So i could feel good for just a second and after feel so guilty and wanting to purge again, i purged so many times that it scared me, my stomach already hurts so bad the muscle would get irritated, i hate this feeling, how do my friends do it? Being so skinny, i see her eating all the time, im so jealous.